When I was in high
school, there was this dark, rainy, downright-ugly day. It was pouring rain. The kind that if
you were caught in it for a few seconds, you were soaked. I came home from school
and plopped in front of the TV. After about fifteen minutes, my grandmother
came up behind me, she was always right there, and asked, “Hey, aren’t you supposed to pick up your brother?” of course, she said it in Gujarati.
Oh crap, she’s
right! I looked at the time and realized that my brother would be half way home
by now, so I decided I was going to walk out to meet him and walk the rest of
the way back with him. I left the house without an umbrella and without a
jacket, and started on the path. Sure enough, about halfway, I saw my brother
trudging along, miserable as can be. He had this green jacket, so if you zipped
it up all the way, there would be this tiny hole at his forehead, so I have to
say, he had it zipped up to about his chin. With every forward trudge, his whole
body collapsed into what I can only describe as slog.
I came up to him
and said, “Hey, let’s get as wet as we possibly can!” and we did. We jumped in
every puddle. We shook every tree for the extra rain. We walked in the swollen
gutters. We were drenched through, and through by the time we got to the front
door where our grandmother was waiting for us. She looked at us, scoffed and
turned away. She was a woman frugal with her words and economical with her
emotions.
When someone
leaves this world, we have a tendency to reflect on whether they have left us
too soon, or whether they have been released from suffering. To most of us
suffering and happiness are negatively correlated. But, if you ask different
generations, “What is happiness?” you’ll get fundamentally different
responses.
Some of you may
know that on both sides of my family, I’m the first born outside of India, and
the first one born here in the U.S. My generation asks questions. What did Ba’s
tattoos mean? Was she happy? At another time, I asked Himat Mama if he thought
Nani was happy and at best it was an upsetting question. She was married; she
had children; she was taken care of—of course she was happy. But that’s not
what I mean.
I’ve tried asking
others, but I’ve never received a real response. I’ve learned to stop asking
older generations. Yet, here I am wondering, was she happy? Ever? In my
definition of happiness?
This is what I know:
—She exercised
every day. EVERY DAY. Until she couldn’t any more. Think about this. How many
Indian women older than our generation really exercise? Sure, you see the men
walking about, but not the women. And, she exercised every day.
—She loved
animals. As Samir noted already, in 1999 when Nikki was hit by a truck, she
vowed never to get close to any animal again because it was too painful when
they died. Truth. She retreated into herself even further.
I tried to get to
know her in various ways in the past, but never could get very far. It wasn’t
until she was submerged in dementia that I learned more. Once, she
was like a nine-year-old girl, talking about her polished nails, and how she
wanted to style her hair. I asked her about her tattoos.
—She had tattoos on
her hands, arms, chest, neck and face. She said, jare who nani chaukri hathi
thyara theej mane shawk hatha (ever since I was a young girl, I had a passion
for tattoo art). I learned she was more than a grandmother, more than the woman
who kept her children safe during the trek from Pakistan to India during the
Partition, she was a girl, a woman.
—And, boy did she
have a sharp tongue! She would cut through the ish around us and tell it
straight and hard, no chaser. I enjoyed that about her!
There are
fundamental differences between people. Here it is October 2015, and what I
learned from my grandmother is—Always Do You.
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