Smoking...

- drifting in my open windows alternates, the smell of night blooming jasmine, stargazer lilies, cigarette smoke, burning car oil. Much different from Santa Barbara (salt, ocean, flowers), Danville (flowers, water, cut grass), India (sweat, smoke, petrol, flowers, spices, dust, evaporated water or stagnant water - together better than you think - triggers memories).
- I really hate cigarettes
- there was a fire in the Haight yesterday. I just read a woman's first hand account blog about it
- I'm glad I have renter's insurance. Good for her she can rely on family. I can't.
- 2 of my dumb neighbors smoke. It's a non smoking building. We all got notices that the smoking must cease because they drop their ashes everywhere. they still smoke. the stairwell still stinks.
- a friend of mine's upstairs neighbor whose partner died last year, died himself... while smoking... burned his place and my friend's place was a slush of smoke, water, and sludge.
- What should I grab? if there's a fire...
- maybe I should stop wearing this lace nightie to bed because you can see everything. but I like that it keeps me cool and warm at the same time. not too cool, not too warm. I finally found the perfect thing. and I should stop wearing it because if there's a fire, I'll be out in the night in it standing among strangers.
- my dad's voice comes to mind. when I was eight, "you're a passenger in a car. the car is in an accident and is submerged in water. how are you going to get out?" what do you mean? that could happen? is my silent question.
- dad again. when I was nine. "there's a fire in the house in THIS room [that room, every room], how are you going to get out." great. I have to worry about this now too??
- what am I going to take if there's a fire?
- these fucking smokers better not fall asleep while smoking. fuckers
- why do smokers who smoke in their cars roll their windows down? if they like smoking so much, they should keep all that smoke to themselves rather than letting it out on the freeway where it comes into my vents and my lungs. 2nd hand.
- what about the pictures? my documents? my irreplaceable Indian clothes and jewelry that should be in a safe deposit box except that I'm still in transition?
- again, these fucking smokers better not fall asleep while smoking.

Empathy. A curse of wisdom. Understanding and feeling bad for the person trying to screw you over WHILE they are trying to screw you over.